so i’m at work… and admittedly really bored… i have some stuff, as in i think i may have finally solved the problem that has been stumping me… but alas, i’m eating. i am eating one of the best chili works i’ve had in a while… it is especially good today. people know what i’m talking about… the quality of chili works fluctuates, and though it is always good it becomes especially good at times. right now i feel incredible… i have my chili works, my peppermint mocha from starbucks, my jelly beans, and a book.

anywho…  i think i’ll take this time to finally put another entry into our pedestrian guidebook, this one shall be on college apps.

i shall open with the simple truth: they suck. of course, everybody knows this. the fact is, the college app process is nothing more than to weed out the lazy bastards. think about it, they really don’t serve much of a purpose, and most everybody who applies to college gets in… somewhere… therefore, the only real logical answer is that it is to prevent lazy bastards from getting into college, as in lazy bastards don’t do the app and so they never get in. q.e.d.

well… not entirely true. they also serve the purpose of improving our economy. colleges are expensive. even in-state tuition usually averages to about $2000 annually for the more decent public schools. it is a known fact that the united states has an incredibly high poverty rate. it doesn’t take a genius to figure this whole system out. by only educating the richer people, you prevent the poorer population from getting a “chance” in life, therefore quite effectively removing this population from our society, which is good because then it means that only the richer people survive.

well… not entirely true on two accounts. one: these people stay in society, they are our mcdonalds employees and janitors. and two, they system actually targets the middle class. you see, the lower class can apply for a lot of need-based financial aid, so the lower class people who apply the effort remain in society. however the middle class aren’t usually eligible to need-based anything, and they don’t really have enough money for college.

psh. middle class. screw them! let’s continue to polarize our economy! the poor and the rich those are all that matter!

well ok now the application process. it’s a big money-making scheme to begin with. i mean sending in official transcripts: $3. sending in SAT scores: $20something. AP scores: $5. application fee: $50. postage for teachers and guidance councilor: $1. now add this all up, and multiply by the number of colleges you apply to. quite a bit. now multiply by the number of students who apply to college. WOW! that’s how much money the postal service, the college board, and the high schools are making.

ok now seriously, the application process. it’s really just about filling out forms and forms and forms. it’s not hard. just tedious. the hard part is when it comes to writing essays. and here i’ll actually give some heart-felt advice: it is an informal essay so just write naturally and write about what you love. like my essays right now are about movies and friends and music, written in a very succinct stream of consciousness… those are what i care about, and that’s how i naturally write. and then after you write it peer-edit the hell out of it. have friends look at it, have teachers who you’re familiar with and trust edit it. don’t have your parents edit it. and finally submit it. now of course this process is really easy in the common app and colleges that don’t follow the common app but have the prompt “write something to help us understand you” or whatnot. open-ended prompts. of course, there are really stupid colleges that don’t have them. like the uc schools for instance. clear prompts are harder to write about. because as if it isn’t hard enough expressing yourself in a few hundred words, you now have to do it to a prompt. what i do? be creative and find ways to recycle essays. like what i did was get my common app essay, rewrite the intro so it addressed the prompt and left it as is. it works perfectly.

oh, and be sure to eat a lot of comfort food while your doing all these apps. it prevents you from killing people. don’t read crime and punishment while doing it, you might just feel the need to prove yourself an extraordinary man… and find that you aren’t one… oops… killed that old louse for nothing.