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Afraid February 6, 2007

Posted by nukes in Life.
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I am so afraid. I lie awake at night thinking, “What is it going to be like in a year?” and i get this sinking feeling in my stomach, i feel my chest clench, and I have finally discovered what it is, it is raw terror. I’ve never been afraid. Never. I can think of situations where i should have been, but I have never been truly afraid. Only when I lie awake at night, thinking of the future. I am terrified of what is to come. I am terrified of death, so much so that the mere thought in that direction keeps me awake for hours. I am terrified of life, yet I’m terrified of losing it. Its weird, but it makes a creepy kind of sense. I’m afraid to lose the only thing I know, but I’m still afraid of it. It is almost as if my mind is unable to truly cope with the concept of time, true time. Not the passive time of waiting. Time as in the future, or truly thinking of those who have come before me. I’m so damned scared. Is life any different? I wonder if it is, I hope it is. I mean, would parents and other adults be able to function as they do with this constant terror? Or do they simply become numb to it? I hope its a teenage thing, or even better, just a me thing, for I would not wish this upon another. I’m so damned scared.

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